|Basic InformationMore InformationTestsLatest NewsQuestions and Answers|SexFearWhy do I Have These Mood Swings?Violent When DrunkAngry All The TimeEating Disorder or Overreacting?What Is Wrong With Me ?Classify My Mental DisorderOCD, DepressionI'm Going Crazy?Please Help. I Criticize Myself Too Much and I Need to Stop. Trying to ForgetWhat's Wrong With Me?How to Overcome Depression Caused when Boyfriend Ditched Me?New Boyfriend Lying About Belongings That Are His Ex Girlfriend'sHow to Help my Delusional Son?Is Any of This Real?What is This, and What do I do About it?I Have Everything I Ever Wanted. Why am I so Miserable?How Can I Convince My Suicidal MD Husband To Be Evaluated?Sexual Abuse, What Should I do Now?Bipolar or Depressed or Neither?DepressionFeel Like Something's WrongToo Much SorrowVery EmptyReally Desperate..Please HelpMy Health?DepressionBipolar, Depression, Grief & AnxietyIs This a Flashback?Help Us With Our Son!No Clue What To Do. Help?Am I Going Crazy?Do I Suffer From Depression?Why Is He Doing This To Me?Am I Commitment-Phobic?I Don't Care For Anything, I Feel as Though I'm Wasting my Life.Anxiety Has Taken Over My Life...Not Able to be Happy With my HusbandHow Do I Get My 24 Year Old Son To A CounselorBipolar TeenI Have This IssueAm I Depressed?Fear of ChokingHelpIn Love With a Man Who Does Not Love MeI Think I Have a Mental Disorder?Stress and Loss of Feeling or Emotional DeadnessPlease Help MeOCD or Not OCD, That's The QuestionHow Can I Move Past This- A Question for StaffDoes Romance Lead to Aggression?Am I Depressed?Depressed, Anxious and Dead Inside...Please Help!BrokenWhy do I Feel Like Everyone is Trying to Upset me?My Husbands Roller Coaster of Proper Hygiene: Is it Depression?I Feel Like a Complete Waste of a Human LifeAm I Always Going to Feel Like This?Is He Changed???I Can't Stop CryingHopelessAnxious and Depressed SonIs There Any Hope For Me, or am I Destined to be Damaged?Falling ApartIs There Such a Thing as Happiness? JoylessWorrying Too Much About Anything.Helping and Watching a Friend's Recurrent Depression?Homesick and Feeling Stuck.Insanely Jealous HusbandPOCDCan Prescription Drug Use Lead to Delusional Beharior? Social Anxiety, Depression and More...SadSame Views On So Much, but Can't Get Along As A CoupleSuicidal ThoughtsHypothyroid 23 Year Old GirlIt's Me or It's My Mother?Is He a Narcissist?Help For Aging Human Service Professionals?DepressionIf There's Nothing New, There's Nothing Good.Please Respond, I Need Help Need To Ask SomeoneIs it Okay to Give Up?I'm Cheated By My Girlfriend..... I Just Want to Die.....How Can It Help?Everyone Says He is depressed, Is He? Or Does He Really Want a Divorce??Help! Please!I Think I Need Some HelpI Feel So Lost.Scared and LonelyPlease Help Me OutHow Much Should a Therapist Care or Reach Out?I Never Experience Happiness Mystery SymptomsI Think I'm DepressedBorn to Lose, or Nurtured to Lose?Help!Quadruple Bypass SurgeryAdviceI am an 18 Year Old Mom Diagnosed With Severe Depression And AnxietyExtremely Scared: I Felt Indifferent Toward an ObsessionSuffering with Treatment-Resistant DepressionMy Fiance May Have a Sexual, Nude Photo AddictionInfections and The BrainMy Girlfriend's Family Is Ruining Our RelationshipWorthlessI Need Help And Am At The End of My RopeHow Can I Cope With My Husband´s Depression and Its Sexual Consequences?What Is The Difference Between Mental Illness and Depression?Am I Over Thinking This, or Am I Right?AngerDo I Need Help?What Is It?Why Am I Thinking Like This?Why Does My Mother Hoard Everything, Including Garbage?Right in the middle of a nervous breakdown; What's wrong with me? Huge Disapointment With My HusbandI Don't Really Care About Anything. What Should I Do?Is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Curable? Is it Really a Problem?I am Terrified of Death. AnhedoniaDetached: I Feel Guilty, But I Can't Help it.My Father, The Sociopath...I Feel Like a Question MarkAm I Not Normal!?Our 23 Year Old Son Refuses to Get Help for His Anxiety Attacks and Depression. What is Wrong? Husband Abandoned MeD.I.D. Diagnosis, How do I Accept This?I Don't Know Anymore. Please Help.Breaking up With Bipolar Depression - Blacking OutHe's Distant. Is he Leaving me?My Boyfriend Saved Pictures of his Ex-Girlfriend on His Computer.Restroom PhobiaWhat Is Wrong with Me?Should I Seek Help?When to Leave Therapy?Help Me Please. What is Going On With Me?I'm Afraid I'm Going CrazyI Don't Know What To DoAm I Wallowing in Depression?AngerSexual Abuse and Its Effects on Relationships AfterwardsWhat Is Wrong with Me, Doc? HelpDBSAm I Suffering a Kind of Psychological Problem?Attention Deficit and DepressionDo I Have an Eating Disorder?Do you think I sound depressed? I don't understand what is going on Is This Bi Polar?Depressed 19 year old college studentThoughtsDepression helps to contribute to my unemployment! - Paula Will I ever feel normal?I feel like I am going crazyWhat is wrong with me?I'm ScaredWhat Is Wrong with Me?Cyclical DepressionFrightening thoughts - fear losing control - please help!Anxious, depressed, confused, angry....the typical...Giving Up - Dad of three - Sep 15th 2008Counting ritual - Zami - Aug 30th 2008dont understand meExercising violence in dreamsSwallowing fear My husband wants to leave me Is there help for a person who has always been a 'little depressed'Depression TreatmentPlease help. Lovely, however... - Julie C. - Jul 14th 2008I am really worried about my mental health (19yr old female)Am I depressed?Identity Confusion: I don't know what personality disorders I haveDo I Have Bipolar Dsorder?Is there something wrong with me?Will I Ever? Worried about my sonIs There Help Out There? Lonely Mother of ThreeAm I Depressed?Help?Major Depressive Disorder Severe with Psychotic FeaturesOCD- No feelingHelp!!!: LaciIs the memory of my father dooming my relationship?Worried about thoughtsHow long will i be on medication for treatment of my depressionMy Mother Won't Go For Depression Treatment!Where do i start to get on the road to recoveryWhat is wrong with me?Stuck in an on-again, off-again relationship for 10 yearsDepression TreatmentHow do I get my dr.s to understand and help me?STUCK IN A RUTWhat treatments are available after you've tried the medicines of last resort?no one will help!Should I seek help?A fighting coupleDo I have a mental health problem?Whats wrong with me?depression and employmenthow do you treat depression in teenager males?Is it ok to feel this way?Have DID: Getting Worse Not BetterCan we contact my mother's doctor?anxiety or going crazy?ADD, Tourettes or both?DepressedI think i'm lost?Don't want to take medsWill this ever endGet SupportedStages of DepressionIs there any help?Can you help?Dark FantasiesBlood testsIs it illusion or truth?should a depressed person marry?Dementia and DepressionAnger?What type of exams can proven that a person has bipolar disorder?Stuck in a mental rut...Loss of Patiencei can't seem to get over any of thisIntrusive humiliating memoriesIs there some way to deal with depression without meds?losing personality wholnessWhat is the point of life?No change is normal mood (e.g., Depression)Lack of Personal HygieneDiagnosing DepressionDoes untreated depression pass on to a fetus?A Request for HelpRegular thoughts of killing myselfHow do I help my depressed, unemployed motherAngry at my doctor for prescribing so carelesslyI become very hostile towards myselfComing to Terms With My Own Pathetic ExistenceDo environmental factors hold a person back?Tired of this DepressionStruggling With Feelings And ThoughtsGreatly DepressedIs Depression Getting More Prevalent?An Empty ShellHelping My HusbandInability To Express MyselfNon-medication Help For DepressionSuicidalSick Of Feeling This WayUntrusting PatientDepressed and Not DatingCongenital LazinessMoody BoyfriendElectroconvulsive TherapyDesperateFrustrated and Sucked DryToo Young For MedsDepressed HusbandParanoid DepressionSelf-Harming Attention SeekerDid My Parents Make Me Like This?Wild Mood SwingsA Wonderful ManHow Can I Become Less Depressed?18, Sad and HopelessShould I Continue With Therapy?Childhood DepressionCan I Help My Wife With Depression?Prozac QuestionsApproaching My Tightly Wound Depressed Attorney BrotherBrain Injury and DepressionNo Compassion For DepressionRecurrent DepressionMeds Don't Seem To Work So Now What?Pleasure-blindDo People Recover From Depression?Shy DancerCrying Is BehaviorMed ConsultFeeling Depressed and InsecureShyness And The Post Partum BluesThe Aftermath of AbuseDo I Tell My Children I'm Depressed?Now What?Medicine Doesn't Work AnymoreDepressedThe First TimeDepressed BoyfriendHow Do I Leave?Potentially Suicidal BoyfriendAlternative TreatmentBereavement and GriefParanoid DadDepression Affects The Entire FamilyHow Can I Stop Depression From Recurring?Crohn's Disorder Side EffectsIs Paranoia A Destiny?Post-Drinking DepressionSecurity Clearance and DepressionCan I Inherit Depression?Two CliniciansDepressed SpouseDepression 101Hypnosis?Controlling, Disabled HusbandAre These Just Mood SwingsDrifting Apart?Drinking. . .A Mother Struggles with DepressionMarijuana and DepressionOverburdened MomTrashed HouseBeautiful DreamerPMS WoesSeverely DepressedMiss LonelyUnhappy and In TherapyHe Won't Tell Me Why...LonelyDepression Affecting My RelationshipLonesomeMy Children Aren't Speaking..My Wife is DepressedMy Boyfriend Is DepressedParlante writes:LinksBook Reviews
Coming to Terms With My Own Pathetic ExistenceWed, Apr 26th 2006
I am 20 years-old and I am/was a recovered anorexic and have been dating and living with a wonderful guy for two years. My problems are many and sometimes I don't even understand them, but I'm hoping someone here can, so here it goes.
When my boyfriend and I were first together, it was wonderful. He clearly adored me unconditionally and made me feel like I might be an acceptable human being, which helped me get over my anorexia from which I had been suffering for many years. He made me feel pretty for the first time. About two months after we had been dating, I found a LOT of porn on the computer- sick, disgusting, porn which he had always told me was gross and that he never had any desire to use it. We are both very political, and I have always been against the media, tv, magazines, anything that uses boobs to sell a product. He had ALWAYS said the same. I felt like he had blatantly lied to and cheated on me by looking at these terrible things, like I wasn't good enough. I never denied him of anything he wanted, so it's not like I was neglectful and he "needed" it. I'm tall and thin and don't really have the "right curves in the right places," but I'm not terribly ugly to the point where he would have to look at other girls just so he could see something attractive every so often. I didn't understand why he wanted to look at depraved women committing disgusting acts and I still don't. I also found conversations between himself and some girl he apparently had met on some online personal. She had sent him scanty pictures of herself which he labeled as "pretty ----- in a skirt," "-----'s ass," and "-----'s boobs..." I was CRUSHED. So I couldn't help but snoop around elsewhere, to find out whether or not he had physically cheated on me. I checked his phone messages and there were text messages from her that were very crude and sexual, and I found messages from him to her that were all sweet and romantic... the things he had been telling me. I obviously confronted him about it, and he first denied everything, trying to tell me that these things were his friend's. I obviously didn't buy it and we fought until he finally confessed. He then promptly erased everything and claimed he would never do it again- that I meant more to him than all of these ridiculous things. Still, I didn't believe him, but after a few months of him being "ok" I began to trust him a little bit again. We carried on as we had before, being happy and whatnot, but in the back of my mind was still this aching need to know whether or not he had really "changed." I think I had been replacing my own insecurities with jealousy. I checked our computer again, and found conversations between himself and this other girl I knew he had been friends with for a long time. I wasn't even jealous or surprised to find them, but I was still inclined to read them. To my horror, I found that he had been hitting on her too. She wasn't as slutty as the first girl, but she didn't fight it too much. He would say things like "kiddo," and "sweetie-butt," and "my little pumpkin..." All of the little names and things he used to say to me, the ones that I had specifically told him I liked. The ones that made me feel like I was at least a little bit special to him. He told her he missed her and wanted to hear her pretty voice again almost every other sentence. I was sickened, again. I confronted him about it, he finally confessed that he did have feelings for her... I knew that nothing would happen between them, because she has a boyfriend and I could tell that she doesn't want him like that. I've known her for as long as he has... She's snooty. But the feelings of inadequacy and depression set in, once again, despite his valiant efforts to make me feel better. At this point, I had pretty much set my mind to not trust him ever again. Everytime he tried to call me something cute or tell me I was pretty, I yelled at him and told him to stop because I didn't believe him and it only reminded me of the things he had been saying to these other girls. Everytime we made love after that, all I could think about were those disgusting pictures he had seen, all of the other girls he might be pretending I am. I considered suicide. I have had terrible relationships in the past, and this was one of the first ones I didn't want to screw up. I know that he loves me, despite his faults. I assure you, these are his only faults... He is the guy that every girl wishes she had. He pays attention to me, waits on me, we go places, we have a lot of fun, he's nice to me, and he has the patience of a saint. I know I sound like every girl who probably has ever written you, but he truly is the one I want to be with.
One year has passed, and I haven't found anything else. A normal human being probably would have been over all of that by now. He still treats me well, we still have fun, but all I have been able to think about since those incidents is my inadequacy and my inability to please him. I've tried everything from a makeover to (dreaded) self-help books and I don't understand why I still feel this way. I have no suspicions of him but I still feel that even though he doesn't outright show his disappointment with who I am, that he still thinks it, even though he gives no impression of that at all. I have stopped eating again, and am feeling a little bit better about who I am, but I know that it isn't going to last and I know that it isn't the right way to do it; it just kind of keeps my mind off of the bad things and allows me to feel as though I'm accomplishing SOMETHING. I've thought about using "happy pills" that doctors seem so ready to perscribe now, but I don't really see that as solving a problem. To me, it's more like masking a problem. How can I stop looking at him like he's a monster and come to terms with my own, pathetic existence?
THE ANSWER TO THIS QUESTION WILL NOT BE DISPLAYED UNTIL YOU HAVE INDICATED YOUR AGREEMENT WITH THE DISCLAIMER PRINTED JUST BELOW. CLICK THE 'I AGREE' BUTTON TO AGREE TO THESE TERMS AND SEE THE RESPONSE.
- 'Anne' is the pseudonym for the individual who writes this relationship advice column.
- 'Anne' bases her responses on her personal experiences and not on professional training or study. She does not represent herself to be a psychologist, therapist, counselor or professional helper of any sort. Her responses are offered from the perspective of a friend or mentor only.
- Anne intends her responses to provide general information to the readership of this website; answers should not be understood to be specific advice intended for any particular individual(s).
- Questions submitted to this column are not guaranteed to receive responses.
- No correspondence takes place.
- No ongoing relationship of any sort (including but not limited to any form of professional relationship) is implied or offered by 'Anne' to people submitting questions.
- 'Anne', Mental Help Net and CenterSite, LLC make no warranties, express or implied, about the information presented in this column. 'Anne' and Mental Help Net disclaim any and all merchantability or warranty of fitness for a particular purpose or liability in connection with the use or misuse of this service.
- Always consult with your psychotherapist, physician, or psychiatrist first before changing any aspect of your treatment regimen. Do not stop your medication or change the dose of your medication without first consulting with your physician.